I’ve noticed something strange about myself lately: the more I work, the more emotionally numb I feel. It’s like I’m so tired that I don’t even have the energy to experience my emotions fully. But whenever I take time off to rest, I end up melting down. I don’t know what to do with my free time, and instead of feeling relief, I spiral.
Oddly enough, working doubles and juggling two jobs keeps me stable. When I’m too exhausted to go crazy, life feels bearable. It’s not that I enjoy this pace, though—I don’t. I wish I could have free time without falling apart, without turning it into a chaotic scene. It feels impossible, but I want to get there. I really do.
How Did It Come to This?
I’m already in multiple therapies, trying to work through these feelings. The only thing that truly seems to help is being so tired that I can barely function. But that’s not living—it’s just surviving.
I miss my daughter terribly. I haven’t seen her since my birthday on the 13th, and every day feels like a reminder of how far I’ve drifted from the person and mother I want to be. I want to get better, to be the mom she deserves, but I can’t even seem to take care of myself. Most days, I’m lucky if I brush my teeth once.
The Weight of Wanting to Be Different
There’s this image I have in my mind of “the other moms”—moms who seem to have it all together, who can take care of their children and still maintain some sense of personal balance. I wish I could be like them. I wish I could bring my daughter back into my life, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally, as the mother I dream of being.
Right now, my thoughts are all over the place. If this post feels scattered, that’s because my mind feels exactly the same. I just want to relax, to have peace, and to stop feeling so out of control when I’m not working myself into the ground.
Where Do I Go From Here?
I don’t have the answers yet, but I’m working on it. This is the journey I’m on: trying to find balance, trying to get back to myself, and ultimately, trying to be a better mom for my daughter. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I want change. I want to heal. I just need to figure out how.
The Fourth Trimester 