I feel like I’m getting sick. I haven’t had a single day off in three weeks, and my body and mind are crying out for rest. The stress is building up, and I’m struggling to keep up with everything on my plate. Between work, life, and trying to maintain a relationship, it’s overwhelming. I know I need to slow down and take care of myself, but it feels impossible right now.
One of the biggest stressors is couples counseling. I’m scared to be honest because there’s something I desperately need to say to my partner: his kids are too much for me when they come over. It’s not the children themselves, but the way he treats me when they’re around. It’s like I don’t exist or, worse, I’m treated poorly. I love the way he is when we’re alone, but the change when they’re here makes me resentful. I know it’s not fair to the kids; it’s not their fault. I should be angry with him, not them, but it’s hard to separate those feelings.
I wish I could enjoy having his kids over, but every time they visit, it’s a disaster. We both seem scared and awkward, and it creates a cycle of tension that just doesn’t end. I’m torn between wanting to escape and wanting to make things work. The thought of booking a hotel room every weekend just to avoid this mess crosses my mind more often than I’d like to admit. I keep telling myself that maybe it’ll get better once they’re older and don’t spend as much time with their dad, but that’s a long way off, and I’m not sure I can wait that long.
On top of all this emotional turmoil, there’s the financial stress. I’m working hard to pay off debts, but it’s a slow process. During my unpaid maternity leave, I fell into almost $20,000 of debt. I’ve managed to pay off half, but it still feels like a huge mountain I’ll never climb over. Saving money seems impossible, and I’m losing hope that I’ll ever be able to buy a house or a new car, let alone achieve the other dreams I’ve had for so long.
I keep trying to think positively and trust that things will get better, but it’s hard. Maybe I just need to stop hoping and see where life takes me. For now, I’ll try to focus on small victories, like paying down my bills, and take it one day at a time. I’m confused, exhausted, and overwhelmed, but I’m still here, and I’m still trying. That has to count for something, right?
The Fourth Trimester 