For almost a week, he was nice to me. I thought maybe things were getting better. But then tonight, everything fell apart again. I’m not feeling well, and his snoring is louder than anyone I’ve ever heard. I asked him to sleep on the couch because I just needed some peace while I’m sick, and to my surprise, he agreed. But less than five minutes later, the name-calling started.
He called me every name in the book, as if he was waiting for an excuse to lash out. The insults cut deep, and the word he used most was “stupid.” He made sure to let me know how stupid he thinks I am. It hurt, but what’s worse is that sometimes I start to believe it.
Why do I keep staying? Maybe I am stupid, just like he says. But tonight felt different. Tonight, he threw things at me, something he’s never done before. It was a new level of fear. I’ve been telling myself I can handle the name-calling, but now…now I’m scared.
I want out. I need out. I can’t live like this anymore, and if I do, I know I’ll never get my daughter back. That thought haunts me the most. How did I let it get this bad? I’ve walked away from people for so much less before. Has he really destroyed my confidence so much that I think I deserve this? The truth is, I don’t.
But it’s hard. Leaving is hard when you feel like you’re trapped, when you don’t have the resources to just pack up and leave. Sometimes I dream of moving far, far away where he can’t find me, where I can start over. But that feels impossible right now. I’m stuck, and it’s overwhelming.
Still, tonight was different. The fear I felt was enough to remind me that I need to go. I deserve better, even if it’s hard for me to believe that right now. I’m writing this because I know that staying isn’t the answer. I don’t know how I’m going to leave, but I know I will.
I’m not as weak as he thinks I am, and I’m certainly not stupid. I’m scared, but I’m also determined. I have to be—for me and for my daughter.
The Fourth Trimester 