Sitting here in the Target pharmacy, trying to hold back tears, I can’t help but wonder: what did I do to deserve this life? It feels like I can’t catch a break, like every small thing just piles on until it’s too much to bear. I used to be so different, you know? I used to feel strong. I used to be confident, with a whole circle of friends and a life I actually enjoyed. But now? Now I feel like a stranger to the person I used to be.
It’s not just the feeling of being mentally exhausted. It’s the feeling that everyone hates me for struggling with it. When my mental health took a turn, it felt like everything else just went with it. The panic attacks, the tears over the smallest things—these weren’t always part of my life. It’s hard to explain how lonely it feels when you remember a happier version of yourself but don’t know how to get back there.
Today, I tried calling my boyfriend 38 times. I needed a ride home. I don’t have a car, and it’s freezing out, pitch dark thanks to daylight savings. But when I called, he just turned off his phone and left me stranded. And now here I am, stuck trying to figure out if I deserve this kind of pain. Did I somehow bring this on myself?
I’ll be honest: in moments like this, it’s hard to hold on. When things go wrong and nobody seems to care, it makes me question everything, even if I want to keep going. Life feels unbearably hard sometimes, and it’s exhausting to keep facing it alone.
But I know I’m not actually alone in feeling this way. There are people who have been where I am and found a way to make it through. This pain isn’t who I am, and I know deep down that I don’t deserve to feel this way. I need to believe that there are people out there who can and want to help. Maybe it’s time to reach out to them, whether it’s friends, family, or even a counselor. I don’t want to give up on myself just yet. If you’re reading this and you’ve felt this way too, know that you’re not alone. We can get through this, even if it’s just one step at a time.
The Fourth Trimester 