I haven’t been writing much lately, and honestly, it’s because I’ve been a mess. Life feels heavy right now. Some good things seem to be on the horizon—at least I hope so—but I’m still trying to navigate the storm I’m in.
One big change is that I’m a step closer to leaving my relationship. It’s a complicated feeling—one that’s both happy and sad at the same time. Is it normal to feel sad when an abusive relationship is coming to an end? Because that’s exactly where I’m at.
A part of me knows I need to leave him. I need to move forward and find peace. But another part of me hesitates. Maybe it’s the history, the hope I once had, or just the fear of starting over. He told me tonight that he doesn’t love me anymore, and the words stung, even though I know deep down that we’re not good for each other. In a moment of hurt and anger, I told him the world would be better if he wasn’t in it—something I regret saying but also feel reflects just how broken things have become.
I’m not the first person he’s hurt. I’m number four. He’s walked away from every family he’s ever had. Knowing this makes me feel like there’s no way we could ever fix what’s been broken. After all the mean and hurtful things we’ve said to each other, there’s no coming back.
But there’s a glimmer of hope. I’ve taken a step forward by applying for a job about an hour away, and I’m pretty sure I got it. It’s a small victory, one that feels like a way out. I know he wouldn’t follow me an hour away, which makes this feel like my chance to start fresh.
Still, the thought of leaving fills me with mixed emotions. It makes me happy, but it also makes me sad. I don’t want to start over—I just want to feel loved. I want to feel like I matter, and right now, I don’t. I know staying isn’t the answer, but leaving feels so uncertain.
I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this, someone who could listen without judgment and tell me what to do. I feel stuck between the person I am now and the person I want to be, and it’s exhausting.
For now, I’m trying to hold on to the hope that good things are coming, even if it’s hard to believe it sometimes. Maybe this new job will be the fresh start I need. Maybe this is the beginning of something better.
If you’ve ever been in this place—conflicted, scared, and unsure—I’d love to hear your story. Maybe we can remind each other that we’re not alone in this.
The Fourth Trimester 