I’ve come to realize something: I never want to say, “things are going well” again. Every time I do, it feels like I’m thrown ten steps back. It’s as if the universe hears those words and decides to test my resilience all over again. Right now, I’m in the middle of a whirlwind of emotions, and honestly, I’m conflicted about just about everything.
Let me start with what’s been consuming my mind: I’m trying to get a second job. The goal? Pay off my debt, improve my credit score, and move closer to my daughter. It’s a simple plan on paper, but in practice, it’s overwhelming. My mom, however, has her own ideas. She wants me to move in with her, but to do that, I’d have to get rid of my cats.
Here’s the problem: my relationship with my mom isn’t great, and my stepdad? Even worse. Moving in with them would be emotionally draining and, frankly, toxic. My mom insists that by refusing her offer, I’m choosing my cats over my daughter, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, I love my cats—they bring me comfort and stability—but the reality is I cannot live with her. I know what that environment would do to me mentally, and it’s not a sacrifice I can make.
As if navigating that wasn’t enough, things with my partner’s kids have been… complicated. What’s a nice way to say they’re not exactly house-trained? They’re loud, messy, and not very welcoming toward me. I know their mom has been vocal about not liking me, and it’s clear her feelings have influenced how they treat me. Since I stopped spending as much time with them, I’ve noticed a slight improvement in my mental health.
But despite these small wins, the big picture feels bleak. Who is going to rent a place to someone working 30 hours a week with a 600 credit score? And let’s not forget—I have pets, which makes finding a rental even harder. If I could have moved closer to my daughter weeks ago, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
I thought I was making progress. Mentally, I felt stronger for a while. In fact, I went 26 days without crying—a personal record for the year. That has to count for something, right? But now, I’m not so sure. Lately, it feels like the weight of everything is crushing me again.
Maybe it’s just one of those low moments, the kind you push through knowing things won’t stay this way forever. Or maybe this is just life testing me again, daring me to say, “things are going well” one more time.
For now, I’m holding onto the small wins, even if they feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Because sometimes, surviving the day is enough.
The Fourth Trimester 